"Love is the ability to laugh uncontrollably, cry publicly and have your heart broken consistently."
I have long considered myself a true being of love- one who gives it openly and well, serves with it and bathes in it every waking moment. However, nearly exactly 2 years ago, I experienced a tragic breakdown of that core love within me. My personal life at the time interrupted every second of my waking and dreaming life in a most horrific way. In hindsight, the good part is how the most difficult time in my life catapulted me into my present days, which are largely filled with joy and relearning what it really means to love authentically. Without the pain, I look back wondering would I ever have taken the necessary steps to heal. Without the level of darkness, I may never have achieved such breadth of wisdom I carry today.
My journey to love has not been perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Since that day's reckoning, I have peeled away layers of dishonesty within myself and where I was outwardly portraying myself. I have stumbled a lot, though exponentially I have come to see that by taking the necessary path to heal the lover in me I came to find my turn around time in the aspect of knowing where to place my love and for how long has become near lightening speed, compared to years where I remained in relationships of suffering due to a severe dependence on my partner for the love I was seeking. All the time, the love was simply inside me.
In the fall of 2006, guided by a gifted clairaudient, I attended a 5 day program called “The Freedom Course”, where I learned my unique mission in life: “To have love (of self) and to give love”. That realization reinforced me and changed my life.
Last night, I was reminded of my essence, and of the unhealthy patterns I default to in times of sorrow. The last 24 hours of my life I grappled with some past demons that pretend to know love and act well with it. They are affectionate little creatures of habit. Instead, I took the coaching offered me. I challenged myself once again to risk losing a new love, in honor of myself. I felt fear in my chest, vulnerable trembling in my voice, my head was reeling yet focused on communication; my heart was breaking in pieces.
I survived. I slumbered with crusty tears. I woke and, nestled alone under the covers, spent a lengthy conscious amount of time pondering my ability to see myself as courageous. Loss is the only guarantee we have in this life. I intend to be in touch with as many people in my lifetime as possible, no matter the consequences of my love being too intense for some. Gain is something that we may receive. I take to this new day with renewed love shining from my core. I am a heroine on this journey of love- willing to risk it all to find the treasure I seek.
Posted
Apr 15 2008, 09:50 AM
by
braden@getselfcentered.com